To foster healthy communication with our children and break generational patterns, it’s vital to rethink what we say. Here are some phrases I’ll avoid and the reasons why:
- “Don’t cry.” Crying is communication and an expression of an emotional need. If kids are told not to cry, they’ll feel that crying isn’t an appropriate way to express a feeling. If kids internalize this message, they will suppress these feelings and struggle to express them in the future. Suppressed emotions come out in one form or another making it even harder to understand a child’s needs.
- “l’ll tell you when you’re older.” A kid will then think: “ok by Friday I’ll be older.” There are age appropriate answers to every question in the book. If you don’t have the answer immediately, you can say “let me think about that and we’ll talk at dinner”
- “Shh it’s a secret.” Having a kid keep a secret creates pressure for a little brain to organize information. A secret may make a kid feel that they’ll get in trouble by sharing information. It also can create a loyalty divide. We may think it’s harmless to say “don’t tell mommy that you and I are getting ice cream without her.” This kid might think it’s hurtful to exclude mommy. Or they might feel the need to be loyal to the other parent. An alternative: “surprise, we’re getting ice cream together!” Secrets can also be harmful. Predators use the term “secret” since they feel kids are enticed by secrets. Predators will also threaten harm if a secret is told, perpetuating confusion and fear.
- Quirky names for body parts. It is so important to use the proper names of body parts when educating your kids. Proper identification leads to using the anatomically correct language. It also reduces any shame or embarrassment. Proper identification protects kids against abuse because they will feel empowered to tell the truth especially if they are touched in an inappropriate way.
By being conscious of our language, we can ensure our children grow up with a healthier understanding of communication and self-expression.
